You know.. being in a relationship definitely has it’s benefits. But being single does too. Open scheduling, less dishes, complete control over the t.v. remote, stuff like that. But one of the other benefits is doing things around the house that functionally makes sense to a guy that don’t have to be explained or rationalized when someone else is sharing the abode. Following are a few handy tips I’ve employed to make life just a little easier so I can concentrate my time and mental energy on other things… like going to the beach.
** LASAGNA– If you like lasagna, don’t want to take time to cook and want a quick, cheap meal… I’ve got the answer. Get one of those large, party-size pre-made lasagna trays. They’re only about ten bucks and come with enough lasagna to set you up for about five hefty meals. You just bake it once, put it in the fridge and slice off a piece for the microwave. Bingo! Try eating at a fast food place for five meals under 10 clams.. this has got it beat.
** DISHES– How does one cut down the dishes needing to be washed? You got it… just toss them paper-plate babies into the trash. I also have a tray full of plastic utensils, but still prefer -some- type of real silverware once in a while. Also, when you go to the fast food place, get the extra big drink that comes with the big, plastic cup. They’re decorative and if too many of ’em pile up in the sink… toss ’em.
** SOCKS– There are only two types of socks in this world. White socks and the ones you wear to funerals and weddings. I used to have white socks with the colored stripes on the top until I realized how much mental anxiety I went through every morning trying to match up the right colored stripes. But no more. You go out and buy a whole drawerful of nothing but thick, cotton, white socks… all EXACTLY the SAME. Then you just toss them into the one drawer. Now, every morning all I gotta do is reach in and grab one sock in each hand and I’m on my way.
** HOT DAYS– It’s a hot, summer day out. You just rushed through getting your laundry out of the dryer and your jeans are beaming with heat waves. Whaddya do? Don’t laugh, but you fold them up nice and flat, then lay ’em in the freezer for five minutes. Works like a charm. You slip into them cool puppies and walk into the sunshine a new man. Let the other guys sweat it out, you’ll be walkin’ cool breeze in 98.6 weather.
** LAUNDRY– One simple rule: ‘If it aint white, throw it in the other machine.’ I’ve lost track how many guys that go into a five minute dissertation on how the PINK shirt they’re wearing today, that was WHITE last week, is really some shade of light red. Gimme a break.. it’s PINK, ya doof. So keep -all- the colored shirts and stuff in the other machines. And for those of you who are still “laundry-challenged”, White stuff gets washed in hot, Colored stuff in cold. NOT everything hot in one machine. We know who you are… you’re the guys in PINK shirts, so don’t deny it.
** CEREAL– You’re busy on the computer and in the mood for cereal. But you don’t want to dirty up another bowl. Well, just think of it as a different form of snacking when you get yourself a glass of milk and bring the box with you to the monitor. First you snack on some cereal from the box, then have some milk. A little more cereal as your file copies to floppy… a little more milk. No dirty bowl or spoon, just one glass. Simplicity is genius.
** FORGOTTEN FOOD– Hey, it happens. One time I forgot about a bowl of chili my second week moving into my new apartment. I meant to heat it up sometime later for a snack. Well, when my one year lease was up I had to clean out the fridge and… there it was, hidden on the 2nd lower rack behind that pile of dead carrots. Fortunately for me, all the moisture had pretty much evaporated sometime during winter or spring, so there wasn’t much mess really. But when you’ve got some funky spaghetti or raw chicken to deal with, heed the following advice. First off, NEVER open the lid! Just take that baby and put it into cryogenic freeze by moving it to the freezer. The next day, or week or month, you toss the stuff into a plastic bag and vacate it from the premises before it has a chance to thaw.
** LINT!– You’re ready for your date, got a clean pair of black pants or jacket on and… massive lint problem! That’s why you always keep a roll of clear, shipping tape around. (Wide masking tape will work too.) You peel off a strip, make a loop with the sticky side out and just rub that lint off in 20 seconds flat.
** BLEACH– Always have a small bottle of bleach around, especially if you’re just not into the “clean house” mode very often. It’s maybe one buck for a bottle and worth double the price in getting rid of germs. If your garbage disposal starts looking kinda green and there’s a funky smell.. bleach it. Toss some bleach into the tub, toilet and bathroom sink as well just for good measure. Also, if you’ve got a wet wash-rag that you let lie curled in a ball until it developed a strange stench… drop the rag into the sink with some water and a couple capfuls of bleach.
Well, there you have it.. scientifically tested and proven methods that will add hours to your time of leisure and keep your mind and home peaceful and functional. Of course, the big trick is gonna be convincing your next girlfriend that all this makes sense.
Henry Velez is a writer, traveler and vlogger currently living in the Philippines. He has written extensively on social issues, relationships and travel.